Where "trying, but not trying" comes to die...

This post is not for those women having serious issues with fertility. I won't even go there, because that's not okay. This is for me and the other ladies who think "it's my turn!" I've gone back and forth on my decision to post this. I'm hoping someone can relate.

In Bloom

I want to start by clearing up something. People are either "trying" to get pregnant or they're not. Quick vocabulary lesson - a synonym for the word trying isn't not trying. In fact it's the complete opposite of the word.

If you are having intercourse with a man, and not using every trick in the book to prevent conception, then um yeah you are trying. Married or not, that is what it's called folks. I'm not totally sold on the accidental pregnancy. Knocking over a water bottle is an accident. Conceiving a child takes a bit more effort. Yes, there are flukes and jaw dropping "how-is-that-physically-possible?" stories (Heyyyyy Jesus!), but that's not what's happening most of the time.

"Not trying" is what you call a virgin. Or in a slump. Or possibly 50 years of marriage.

With that being said, whether or not my husband and I are "trying" is no one's business. I mean, I can't imagine any new marriage lasting too long if there isn't any "trying" going on. I don't ask my non-married or non-newlywed friends how often they get their "try" on.

To my friends and family who've asked me this maybe once or maybe twelve times, I'm not mad. I love you. Besides it takes A LOT to get me heated. And if I've ever asked you about this, shame on me! But, if you continue to ask I just might give you an answer that's more than you bargained for.

Moving on to the point of this post.

The day after my wedding, make that 14 seconds after our vows, the question came: "Sooooo are you going to get pregnant soon?"

And I thought why yes, yes I am going to get pregnant soon. Oooh maybe real soon. Yes that is exactly what I will do. Yessss I'm going to get pregnant and trot around in totally adorable maxi dresses with dainty belts and pick out the perfect running stroller and have Adam rub my feet every night and take "my bump by the month" pictures.

So there I was almost four months later, and my plan hadn't really come to fruition.

Hmmmm plan B - Google HOW TO GET PREGNANT. I'm genius. Why didn't I think of that sooner?

I did just that and a month later I was driving myself crazy. Why was I going crazy you ask?

Oooh you know after reading and researching a million "full proof" tips and tricks, you tell me:

Don't drink caffeine. don't drink alcohol. don't drink water with lemon. don't let your husband drink. anything. only drink water between the hours of 7:19 am and 9:02 pm. then check your basil plant. I mean your basal temperature. oh duh. because obviously I know exactly what that is. google basal temp.

Ok. Water only. Plant basil. Girls who don't follow these surely can't get pregnant. Got it.

Don't wear tight clothing. muumuus only. have as much intercourse as you can. good luck with that. now you are wearing a queen sheet set to insure proper organ function. your hubby is no longer turned on by you. walk around naked instead. don't let your husband wear tight jeans. or underwear. and immediately after getting it on, you need to put your legs UP. hold them there for 5 minutes. at least. hellooo gravity is a baby maker's bff. then stay flat on your back for two hours. make it four. a good marinating session takes time. god forbid you stand up and well, there goes all of your hard work. speaking of work, don't make baby making feel like a chore because then your husband won't enjoy sex with you anymore.

Ok. No chores. "Hit and Run" girls can't conceive. Don't be that girl. Got it.

Don't stress. stress is the worst. make sure you exercise to keep your mind off the fact that you are trying/but not trying to have a baby. but don't exercise too much. maybe try yoga. careful, certain yoga poses can hinder baby making. take pre-natal vitamins. now. actually it's too late. you should have started those when you started puberty. oh and definitely don't do drugs. people who do drugs DO NOT get pregnant. ever. crack babies are a conspiracy.

HOLY COW

Ladies - put down the search engine!

I speak to women who "OMG getting pregnant was sooooo easy." And then there are some who are spending mini- to mega- dollars on this.

But, I want a baby and I want it nowwwww. I'm sorry are we 3 or 30? Can you just hear the voice of what's-her-name, Veruca Salt begging for some golden egg or a snozberry or whatever. Just make it stop. The pity party is over. Girl, there's a reason we aren't preggo yet. Maybe GOD is hoping we will stop stressing over what we can't control and focus on (a) husband, (b) child/children you already have, (c) HIM!, (d) other relationships, (e) YOU!

Sorry to break it to you, but we are not the masters of our universes. Our wish is not our command. The big man upstairs has my plan in mind. He hasn't forgotten about me. Even though that's how I felt when everyone else was getting pregnant in a snap. News Flash! That was in their plan since day uno. No baby is a mistake. No one is more deserving than anyone else. My baby may or may not be coming and I have to trust the journey God is taking me on.

It's time to regroup and shift our focus on what God has placed smack dab in front of us.

If it's worth anything, just think about it this way - another month that we aren't pregnant is another month of happier happy hours, another chance to get in pre-baby buns of steel shape, total fulfillment of sushi cravings, gag-free, puke-free, constipation-free days and lots of whatever the heck we want to do.

Have a great weekend!